In 2016 my husband and I decided it was time to start our family. We thought it would be easy and we would get pregnant fairly quickly because it seemed like other people in my family got pregnant so easily.
After a few months of trying we started to realize that this wasn’t going to be easy for us. We kept holding out hope every month that we would get pregnant, but we were disappointed over and over again. I can’t really explain how heart-wrenching it is to see a negative pregnancy test. Every time there’s a bit of mourning and sorrow that takes over when you’re wanting to be pregnant.
After several months I wanted to talk with my doctor, but you’re supposed to wait until you’ve been trying to conceive for a year. I was so frustrated because I just wanted help and answers. I didn’t want to wait a whole year before we could even get pregnant. I knew I was ready to start my family! So, I looked into some natural remedies to at least feel like I was doing something about it. I found a natural vitamin that was supposed to help with ovulation. I thought, why not!? What would it hurt to at least try it.
I was 1 week late and I was just hoping so badly that it worked this time around, but I still had serious doubts. It wasn’t really unusual for me to be late, but I still wanted to take a test just to see! It was early on a Tuesday morning before my husband would get up for work and I took the test. I WAS PREGNANT! IT WAS POSITIVE! The two lines were VERY FAINT, but they were there. I ran over to my house and showed him the test and he was very groggy and just waking up. He didn’t really know what was happening at first. I told him I was pregnant and we both were just in total shock. We laid in bed together for a while just trying to take it all in. I was finally pregnant!
After Jordan left for work I called my doctor to set up an appointment. Somehow I got an appointment for the very next afternoon, which was kind of crazy. All day long I thought about this little life inside of me and dreaming all of the dreams. I just couldn’t believe it was really happening. I wanted to call my family and tell them the good news, but I also wanted to wait until after the appointment for them to confirm everything for me.
Wednesday morning I woke up and decided to take another pregnancy test. I just wanted to be sure. It was positive, again! Still faint, but positive. It was only a couple of hours later that I began to bleed. I started to panic right away. I texted my husband to let him know what has happening. Bleeding doesn’t always mean it’s a miscarriage, but I just had this sinking feeling. As the few hours went by before my appointment the bleeding got worse. I just knew it was over. I just knew I wasn’t pregnant anymore. But I went to my appointment anyways just in case.
I was right. I wasn’t pregnant anymore. Within 24 hours I had found out I was pregnant and lost my first child. It was a hurricane of emotions and shock all at the same time. After my appointment I went home and laid on my bed and just cried until my husband came home from work. Why would God give us this life just to take it away from us? We’ve been praying! We’ve been so faithful! Why!?
When we we were struggling with infertility I made the picture at the top of this blog post that said “God Can”. I had such faith that God was going to make a way for us and give us a child. But after our miscarriage there was some serious doubt that crept in. Over the next year my husband and I mourned. Every month that we weren’t pregnant again we mourned. It was the hardest year of my life. I was watching people around me getting pregnant and having babies. I watched as people were having babies around the same time our baby would have been born. I had my first Mother’s Day in silence without a child to hold in my arms. It was soul crushing.
God did so much in my heart during that time though. I went from feeling betrayed because of the life I felt he stole from me, to living by faith and knowing that God had a much bigger plan for my story than I knew. We found out during that year that I also had something called PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome). It’s a fairly common thing to happen to women, but I felt like a failure. Getting real honest here. I remember thinking I wish my husband had married someone else because I was the problem. I was the one causing the pain and I was the reason we didn’t have children. I wished he had married someone who could provide children for him and make him happy. But I was also reassured during that time that my husband was in it with me and we were doing this together. Just like he chose me as his wife no matter what would come, I chose God no matter what would come (even during those days out doubt and heartache).
I used that “God Can” photo as my desktop background and my phone background for a long time. I needed the reminder daily. But after our miscarriage God changed my heart from saying “God Can” to “God Hears”. During that season of mourning, tears upon tears, and not knowing what was going to happen I knew that God was hearing every single cry of my heart. I knew that while I may not EVER have children God was mourning with me too. I had to accept the fact that even if I didn’t have children, God was still good.
It was the spring after we had lost our first child. Out in our front yard there was a tree (pictured above) that was blossoming. I just love spring because it’s a beautiful reminder that God can make things new. I took a picture of the tree and saved it. I ended up adding “God Hears” and using it as my desktop and phone background. Little did I know what God was making new in me.
After finding out I had PCOS I went on an ovulation drug called Clomid. They told us to try it for three months and if we didn’t get pregnant they wanted us to see a fertility specialist. I prayed so hard that we would get pregnant during those three months and it didn’t happen. I was hoping it would be an “easy” solution to our fertility problem and we wouldn’t have to go spending a butt load of money or having several more months of treatment. We didn’t have insurance at the time so everything we would be doing would be completely out of pocket.
We made an appointment with the fertility specialist and talked about SO MUCH STUFF. It was completely overwhelming, to be honest. She went over everything that we may have to do, diet, family background, etc. It was a lot to take in under an hour. She told us what our next steps would be and said to call when my next period started so we could move forward with treatment.
Well, that period didn’t come. When we met with that fertility specialist I was already pregnant and I didn’t know! God did a miracle! We had been on Clomid for 3 months and the month I went off it was when I got pregnant! We were totally shocked and so excited!
I knew before we were pregnant that we were going to have a girl. I had such a clear voice from God at some point during that year of mourning where God put the name Maggie on my heart. I just couldn’t get it out of my head! My husband and I had always wanted Olivia was our first girl name, but I just couldn’t shake the feeling that we were going to have a girl and her name would be Maggie.
If you don’t know our story, we did have a girl and her name is Maggie. I ended up using that same photo of the blossoming tree to announce that she was a girl and her name “Margaret Eileen Towle”. It was such a meaningful photo to me and such a beautiful representation of God doing something in my heart and my body when I didn’t even know it.
The beginning of that pregnancy was hard. After having a miscarriage there’s always a fear that it’s going to happen again. Yet somehow I also had this peace that this baby girl was going to be okay. I told my husband that many times in my first trimester. I just felt like God was saying “She’s going to be okay.”
Now we have an amazing 3 year old girl, a 16 month old son (Isaac), and another girl (Olivia) due in July. We did have to go through 1 month of a different ovulation drug to conceive with Isaac and Olivia was a surprise!
God showed me a lot about patience, trust, understanding, and so many other things. There are also so many other women who have gone through infertility and miscarriage and it has allowed me to share my story and help others heal as well.
If you are struggling with infertility I wish I could wave some magic wand and those struggles would go away. I wish I could say “pray hard enough and God will give you a child”, but I don’t know God’s plan for your life. I don’t know what he wants to do with your story and how he wants to use you. What I do know is that prayer is a powerful thing and I will be praying alongside you. God CAN do it and God HEARS your every cry as you go through the pain of another negative pregnancy test or find out that you’ve lost a child. I mourn with you and he does too.
Redemption doesn’t happen overnight. God can redeem and bring life to things that once were dead, but often those things take time and God is doing something in and through us that we can’t even begin to understand or imagine. Trust.
